Thursday, March 20, 2014

A long rant about something that has no merit whatsoever…because you need a break from reality

The bounty lady…yea…she’s on my hit list. Figuratively, of course.

Not really. I lied. It’s a real list, and she’s on it.

Here’s the deal…everybody else rants about their pet peeves! Why can’t I? (I'm aware that I do this all the time…just roll with me here.) Ok, I can think of all kind of reasons why that may not be the most “Christian” thing to do, but clearly I have issues since I put the very word in quotes. Point made. Still, I don’t think I’ve ever just posted nonsense drivel…EVER…so here ya go. 

Ode to the insult-to-all-the-normal-moms commercial.

Have you seen this Stepford mom on the new Bounty commercial?!? Yes, I’m watching way too much tv these days. It’s Zane’s fault…at least, his prison term’s fault. What’s a girl to do? Cut some slack here peeps. Ok, back to my arch nemesis. So the commercial opens up with a boy around 7-8 yrs., sitting at the kitchen counter. He’s got a very full glass of dark liquid and a straw. Much to the amusement of his younger brother, approx. age 3-4, he’s blowing bubbles with the straw as his drink spews all over the counter, then pouring all over the floor. We're talking a LARGE amount of sticky goodness. As the little dude grins and says, “Again!”, the camera cuts to the mom who’s been observing this whole scene. Then with an angelically sweet smile on her face…and a silent "awwww", she pulls her one square of Bounty off the roll and comes over to deal with the spill. She wipes the entire counter and floor with her itsy bitsy square of miracle cloth…even scrubbing a stuck-on glob…and it never rips. It’s a Christmas miracle. She might as well have been whistling Spoonful of Sugar as she wiped. Then as if that weren’t assaulting to your brain cells enough…and all those other vital organs that wouldn’t buy it…the next camera shot just might do you in. Now we have the younger son blowing in his own drink (because big brother taught him well), spewing large amounts of liquid all over the place while Mother Theresa sickeningly sits right beside him smiling and says, “Again!”

Are you kidding me right now?!? Who’s buying this? If I didn’t need that tv to get me through the duration of Zane’s recovery…ok, and my lifetime…I’d have thrown something at it! Side note: I have fond memories of my dad threatening to kick a hole through the tv innumerable times throughout my childhood. Now I GET it. Although I’m fairly confident he felt the offending parties were far more…well, offensive. BUT he probably hasn’t SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL! Dad, it's the same thing. For real.

Come on already!!! Just once, I’d like to see a commercial where the mom has a kid hanging from every limb as she wipes up their incessant messes with her sock…then she tosses chicken nuggets across the kitchen straight into their mouth because their hands are covered with only-God-knows-what…all while rocking another baby with her foot (yes, it’s the same foot that just wiped up the mess…bonus)…as she calls for an immediate QUIET GAME. They could be advertising anything on the planet…I'd buy it. Anything. Could come with a million dollar price tag. I'm in. THIS is a woman with whom I can identify!!! 

I'm pretty sure I'd feel compelled by righteous indignation to just flatten the Bounty momma…my self-preservation clearly strong-arming my sense of right and wrong. I'm even struggling to feel shame for my lack of shame! Can I get a witness?!? Is there any one out there in the masses of motherhood that LOVES when their toddlers and beyond spew sticky liquid all over their kitchen…because they've got NOTHING BETTER to do than clean it up?!? The biggest problem with all this is that a weaker woman (present company excluded, of course) gets the message, "If you simply have the right PAPER TOWELS, those big messes of your day won't bother you at all!" Fo' snizzle. See…now I'm reverting to good ol' Christian cuss words. Look what you've done to me, Bounty!!! 

Sure, we love these little hoodlums no matter what…in SPITE of all the whacked out messes we find ourselves in the middle of…that's a given. (Well, most days!) But is anybody ENCOURAGING them to throw poop on the wall?!? Seriously, Bounty?!? 

Can you imagine landing the gig for this commercial…WOO HOO…then you show up for the filming and get this script…OH CRUD. I'd like to think that I'd toss the script back to the director and say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I have my dignity and the mental stability of every momma out there to consider." Solidarity, sister. (Because I'm sure all the other moms find their identity in the tv moms…ahem…just messin…not me…really. But still…ok.) 

Now I'd not dare call for a Bounty ban. Who cares what I say anyway…little miss nobody sitting amidst what could easily be classified as a Bounty 911. I'm actually staging a sit-in-the-mess protest. But I don't think I'll ever be able to erase that image of the mom I could never understand. "Aliens" don't market things well. The Aldi or Walmart brands are looking better and better to me these days. Even if I have to use 2 squares…or 20.

Hopefully you needed to feel better about yourself today. You're welcome. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm in for the sit-in-mess and do it our way commercial. but I'm telling you those bounty wipes would have been handy today as I watched my children hang upside down in the car with their horse manure coated boots on. and no joke this was right after I explained: keep your feet on the floor and butts in the seats. not only were the boots getting manuer on the ceiling of the car but his foot was also tangled in the seat belt... all while upside down. trust me I was not smiling angelically saying "again"! nice post Eva