More things I've learned since I've been in China

+Plus signs get the shaft.

+The Surgeon General is not on any Chinese speed dial.

+Chinese people look great...even at breakfast...Americans couldn't care less.

+Denim factories should close down in China. What's the population of China? I've seen all of 3 women in jeans...so subtract that, carry the 1...yea...just close down. Now leggings, however...buy stock in leggings, open a leggings store, sell leggings on a street corner...you're golden.

+Still hate chopsticks.

+My Chinese children are really diggin' forks.

+Younger Chinese people put their phone on speaker, then yell into it while holding it in front of their face...while walking down the street. The mystery behind this may plague my thoughts for years to come.

+They still stare. Younger Chinese people smile at the kids...and even us...sometimes.

+Zane has given us too much power over him by being terrified of baths...TERRIFIED.

+My favorite purchase of all-time may be shirts for Zane and Zoe that simply state, "Made in China."

+Day 8 of any adoption itinerary should include, "Mom gets pedicure...for everyone's safety." 

+I'm shallow enough that a pedicure changes my mood.

+The craziest kids of all times probably give the most joy. Trust me...you won't be able to keep from smiling when you meet this kid. Hang onto to your valuables for sure...but then just hang with him.

+When daughters finally loosen the vice grip on Momma and go to Daddy, his smile will light up the room.

Sunday: better known as the day we had to wake the kids so we wouldn't miss breakfast

After an extremely restless night of no sleep, imagine my dismay when the little ones decided to visit snoozeville. Wake 'em up, you say...bite your tongue, I say. As it was, we waited until we were about to miss the free food...which in this place would be a mistake...and drug those little varmits down for some grub. I've never in my lifetime eaten as much for breakfast...ever...as I have these past 4 days. It is unreal. Take your most extreme Sunday brunch buffet and triple it...ok...there's no prime rib. Got me there...but yummo.  This actually turned out better, though...as we took our time and just kept eating...HAHA! You think I'm kidding...definitely not.

Something I forgot to mention yesterday was yet another new dr/med twist...when we tried to get this medicine thing dealt with, the dr said this specific medicine had to be taken with juice of some kind or something with potassium because it's too harsh on the stomach. Unreal. Not one word had even been mentioned about this issue to date...not one word. This is the kind of thing I've been talking about...it's making me looney. Anyway, we made sure she had some juice this morning with the medicine...then just left the remainder, mixed with water, in her sippy cup for the next time.

With the looming dr visit at 2:00, we had to gauge our time differently. So after we finished getting ready...translation: Eva's hair drying with a hotel dryer (our converter blew on day 1 so I've had none of my gadgets this entire trip. let that sink in.)...we headed back over to the shopping plaza to look for kids clothes. You've never seen such a gigantic, yet empty, place. Store after store...no bigger than my kitchen...with a rod down each wall with one of each garment available hanging...while bags of extras you can buy stacked all underneath the rods. We saw very few shoppers...just lots of stores. A good many "boxes" were empty all together or full of stacks of bags. Most importantly, the kids stores we found were locked or sold a plain white t-shirt for $15. Guess we're rolling the pants. We chalked up the adventure to exercise and decided to call it quits after a couple hours.

As we left the store, I gave the kids their drinks since I felt parched myself from all that "shopping"...and we headed back to the hotel after I gave Zoe another installment of her medicine. When we got back to the room we gave the kids a saltine cracker to take the edge off as we regrouped before heading back out to the doctor. 

You may have guessed I was giving you the drink/eat/med rundown for a reason...yep. She takes two bites...of a saltine!...and hurls all over herself, the floor, her brother, you name it. The poor girl just keeps vomiting and then some.  The culprit must've been the apple juice/water combo...but it must be because the juice is different here or something. You don't even want to know how I know from experience it wouldn't have gone bad back home that quickly... No matter...once we got her stopped and then everyone changed and cleaned up the floor, it was time to leave.

Brace yourself. We're about to experience an earthquake of good news...a positive dr experience...well, kind of...didn't really have anything to do with an actual doctor.

We walked over to the hospital with our guide, Kelly...telling her all about our less-than-awesome guideless adventures the previous day...as well as the 2 episodes of vomiting. When we arrived, we realized, much to our chagrin, that we were walking into the emergency area..."urgent care." Oh great...can you say, "mocho denero"? Kelly asked for 10 Y just to get us registered...gulp...and left us to tend to the natives.  Of all places, the emergency room would be the last place we'd want Zoe to be, but we kept the mask on her tightly and entertained both of them with Itzy Bitzy Spider...who knew...with extra tickles and all...over and over. Pretty soon she returns and says, "It's Sunday so there's no heart doctor here (unbelievable), but all you really want anyway is the medicine, right?" (uh...yes please...) "They say that's fine." Excuse me, what?!? Is that good news you're sharing??? Oh me of little faith. She left to go to the pharmacy to get the medicine and came back in less than 5 minutes, medicine in hand, saying it cost 1 Y. For all you mathematicians at home, that's 11Y. Divide by 6 to get the dollar equivalent. That's how much it cost us to get the needed meds from an emergency room in China. Before you start packing, remember everything else I've shared in previous posts...but WOO HOO!!! What I need to know now is...who was pr*ying for our family (specifically Zoe's health) about 7 hours ago?!? You...we want YOU to keep it up!!!

After sharing our shopping woes, Kelly then took us to another set of stores that was seriously ALL KIDS...for around $5-6 each...bam. The pants we bought Zoe look to be around 9-12 month...no joke...but we were happy to find something. We actually found something for Zane first, and that little stinker kept saying, "I have something. Zoe has nothing!" Keep in mind when he says something, he repeats it easily 10 times a minute. Dork. Even once we had her bag, he continued to say the same thing, but she wasn't taking it and was telling him to shut it...Eva translation. At one point, we learned how to say, "Be nice!"...then he got a good look at her bag and changed his tune. "Zoe has a Mickey Mouse bag...I don't have that..." Serves you right, Mr. Sassy Pants.

We said goodbye to Kelly and headed over to a coffee cafe to grab an early dinner where the Carr kids proved again their love for french fries...at least there was no puke with a side of fries. (Mom...sorry...you're so not proud.) 

Knowing we had no naps, an early morning start tomorrow, and an early dinner, we headed to the room to count down to an early bedtime. YIPPEE! :) 7:00 pm was the time...Daddy wasn't too far behind...and now Mommy will follow suit! 

Tomorrow is a big day...American consulate interview where this whole shindig will be officially official...the fat lady will sing...and we start the journey home. Can. not. wait.

Saturday…starting at 12:30 AM

I was finishing up a blog update when the hotel room phone rang. It was one of the case workers at the adoption agency. She wanted to check on Zoe…at midnight…so I’m very glad I was still up…and the rest of the family didn’t have to join in on the conversation.  I explained everything I’ve updated you all on in the blog, including the differing opinions on diagnosis…said she was considerably better than the first day we got her…and listened to her concerns.  Again, had to do some more convincing that it was not better for her to “get better” before traveling…there is no getting better here. I also explained that another doctor friend at home thought it 99% unlikely that she’d had a heart attack based on the fact that she was out of the hospital in 3 days…a physically impossible thing for a healthy child, let alone Zoe…but she talked at length about blood clots and such…which our friend said is also extremely unlikely.  She wanted to know the emergency plan for on the plane should anything go wrong. This was the first practical idea during this whole process, but I refused to leave that up to the doctors we’ve seen over here. I’ll be contacting her doctor at home to figure out that plan. The most beneficial part of the late-night interview was the warning to check that we had enough meds to get us home. Crud. No dice. So…guess what…they’re getting their wish…we will have to see a doctor tomorrow in order to get her prescription because they don’t do refills. Again…awesome.

Not to be deterred, we set off bright and early…in Eva-land…9:00 am…gasp…for the kids’ first trip to the zoo. Our guide asked them about it…Zane said he’d never been but that his favorite animal was the elephant. Duh…lame. That’s like answering, “J*sus!” in SS class.  Anyway, we knew when he was coming unglued seeing an animal statue, this was going to be a hit. And let’s face it…we needed a hit about now.  They both seemed to really enjoy it…we enjoyed watching them…our guide laughed at all of us the whole time.  Zane cared as much about his freedom when let out of the stroller than he did the animals. Zoe didn’t want any part of being close to any animal. We did pay to hand feed the giraffes…which they each did…once. Then they just pushed Chris close enough to feed them while they watched.  It was pretty hilarious…that…and the fact that the pr*acher’s kid is a clepto…kept swiping everybody’s else’s leaves to feed them…or just blatantly stealing them from the worker. Would be so sad if it wasn’t so impressive that we’re the only ones that even noticed! He’s got mad skills.

Of course, what’s any trip to the zoo without ice cream and balloons? So we headed over to the food to grab them a treat, but Daddy pulls up short when he sees the 400 on the sign. Umm…no….not gonna do it. Now it’s Chinese money, but that still amounts to around $8 for this frozen snack…that they’ll take one lick of and likely dump down their shirt. He just keeps saying, “400?!? I can’t believe it’s 400!” He can’t bring himself to do it. At one point, he starts pacing. No joke. You can be sure the whole time, Zane is yelling the same thing over and over again, “I WANT IT!!!!!” No doubt, kid, but your dad’s in a moral dilemma here. Pipe down. My input…”well you’ve got to get something…we’re over here now!” I’m sure that was just what he wanted to hear. The word you’re looking for is “helpmate.”  Finally he uses his skill in finger numbers with the clerk to ask again…yea…that would be 4-even. Crisis averted. Zoe still only took one bite…Zane did indeed dump it all over himself…but it was cheap…so we’re good. We also got them each a balloon sword…they didn’t care…don’t judge…again, cheap.

Funniest part of our trip: before we left I popped them out of the strollers for a quick photo opp in front of some pretty flowers.  They were both wearing the shirts they got from the orphan’s home they were leaving…so cute. These two will NOT actually look at the camera if they know you want them to…you really have to fake them out. We get one just standing there, and then get Zane to put his arm around Zoe…so sweet. So I thought it would be cute to get him to give her a little kiss on the cheek. Scrapbook moment, I tell you. So we tell him to give her a kiss.  Yea…should’ve specified…because next thing we know, he’s gone in for full frontal lip-lock!!! We were seriously laughing so hard…he’s like…”what?!? I did what you said!” Incidentally I was prepared for the peck pic…as it was, I got the back of his head as he just about sucked her face off. Still will be an awesome blackmail shot…J Daddy said, “She ain’t your girlfriend anymore, dude…she’s your sister!” Big adult chuckle. Then he adds, “…we ain’t from the SOUTH!” Perfect. Way to ruin a perfectly sweet moment.

During naptime, Momma got to walk out of the room and find an authentic Chinese nail salon.  They still talked about me, I’m sure…they just were more discreet.  Side note to anyone who’s ever gotten a pedicure with me: ya know how I tend to hem-haw around about what color, what design, what whatever? Well, I now have a whole new respect for any foreign nail tech who’s ever had the trauma of Eva…because all my “what do YOU think?” and “I have this idea in my head” comments all came back to bite me.  I said the first thing, and she responded, “I show you nail book!” Oh my ever-livin’ word. It was like the JC Penney’s catalogue of nail designs…and she gave me two. Never again. On my big toe’s honor…I will just paint them black from now on…although there were some really cute designs on the 6 pages of black polish designs….

Afterward, we set out to try and find the kiddos some clothes that wouldn’t fall off of them…seriously…even Mr. Mouth is a shrimp…and Zoe could wear American Girl clothes…heyyyy now…anyway, he’s 3 ½…she’s almost 3. We bought 2T and have had to roll the pants and sleeves 3 times…and the pants still fall down. Anyway, we walked over to the shopping place our guide told us about…closed. UGH.

K…we’ll try the restaurant she recommended…so we walk the 4-5 blocks, whistling as we walk…HAHA….2^nd floor…no elevator…familiar theme over here…apparently most kids use their legs here…lazy Americans. SO…we hike up the strollers like we’ve grown accustomed to doing and find our way to the top. Our plan was to do the point and grunt method of communicating that we’ve been using thus far…has served us well in our 17 years of marriage too. But the waiter wanted to argue…we’d point…he’d shake his head.  Now you’d assume that meant they didn’t have what we wanted…noodles…in a Chinese restaurant…but after a good while, the noodles did, in fact, appear…as did the dumplings. Not so much with the fried rice…maybe that’s a no-no…noodles AND fried rice…idiots. SO he did what he thought best for China. We never did get some bottled water. That was not to be. Gotta admit, if one more person said, “Tea?”, somebody was gonna get hurt. It was only the power of the pedicure that kept me down. I mean…come stinkin’ on…”bottled water.”…”tea?” That’s just about as bad…though not quite…as me asking if they have Dr. Pepper, and some moron with no taste buds replies, “Yes…Mr. Pibb!” Uh…no…thanks for playing. Speaking of insanity…which I was, in case you missed it…how have the chopsticks kept a stronghold on this country to date?!? I. don’t. get. It. As I mentioned, we get our bowl of noodles to share and set about to divide it up…which would be great except it’s like ONE CONTINUOUS NOODLE!!! Dude. open the box and throw them in the water…little salt…they don’t grow back together!!! Save yourself the time and headache!!!!! So we have our one noodle and try to cut it with these useless wooden and/or plastic matchsticks!!!  Seriously…you could bungee jump with this magic noodle…no breaking this puppy.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you both of us tried for a good 3 minutes together…to no avail. So…we did what we see everybody else doing…leaned over the big bowl…together…how romantic…and bit it off with our teeth.  I wanted to hurl, but that just wouldn’t do…again…plus, I’m 100% sure they were watching us out of the corner of their eye the whole time…laughing.  After our dumplings were finished, we sat around waiting to pay…no one wanted to return to “that” table…for a while.

We hoofed it back to the hotel but had to make our nightly visit to 7/11 for Pepsi and peanut M&m’s…Daddy added a slushie to the mix…if you ask me, he just wanted to see the kiddos get a brain freeze if we’re basing that on his reaction when they did.

All in all…good times…baby steps forward…just wishing so much that our other kids were here with us. I hate that they’re missing all this get acquainted time…hate that the new kiddos will have to take a while to get used to our “old” kids…new experiences are always better when they’re shared…and I just all-around miss being around them. I’m grateful we’re going home even earlier so we can be a family together again…and I’ll get some reinforcements. J

Keep 'em busy...wear 'em out

My new motto.  Previously to date, the motto was, “Go with the flow…they’re fine to just hang with us…no worries!” That jersey has now been retired….or burned…or framed. Whatever.

We finally had our first official free day yesterday, Friday…so we hit the town to get some fun souvenirs for our family back home. 

We had to make a stop first though, at a pharmacy and then a medical equipment store to get some supplies.  Something I haven’t touched on that much…or maybe I have…typing these blog posts at midnight or so have left me a little foggy on what I’ve shared and not shared.  I know I mentioned that Zoe had been in the hospital for 3 days before we got her. (Just checked because I didn’t want to rehash…yep, told ya.) So…anyway, ever since that day, we’ve been going back and forth with doctors and guides and the adoption agency in regard to Zoe. The first day I held her in my arms I said we wanted the doctor that treated her at the hospital to contact our doctor. Not gonna happen. Therefore, it’s completely impossible to know what actually happened. There is, of course, no medical record given to us either. It is absolutely maddening. We’ve tried to explain the varying opinions to the adoption agency only to have them insist the one they were told is the correct one…and then insisting we continue to pursue Chinese doctors…who continue to disagree. We were told by her caregivers that it was likely a translation thing…the same word is used for heart disease and heart attack. They also questioned who would know what’s going on more…her caregivers in her home or the over-arching city orphanage that reports to the agency? Good point. We explained that. “Are you refusing to see a doctor?” Ugh. We were sent a long email when we woke Friday saying that agency doctors had been contacted, and they recommended several things. The agency said we should pursue those options at the minimum. Fine. The easiest items to apprehend were a face mask (to guard her against contracting other people’s germs…catching a cold would be very bad for her) and a portable “blah, blah, blah” that reads her BPM and O2 level.

On our way to the pharmacy, we contacted the clinic we visited the previous day to ask if a cough suppressant would be ok with her current meds and heart condition. (She had been coughing quite a bit more throughout the night but not waking. Just didn’t want to chance anything.) The clinic said that would be just fine. So at the first place they bought these face masks that apparently were made for Gigantor. But they didn’t stock the other thing we needed. Next. The clinic sent us to their equipment distributor. We bought children’s masks, cough stuff, and the thingamajig. $100+ later, the masks are still falling off her tiny face, the machine is garbage (says I’m about to have a heart attack when I’m completely resting…no smart aleck comments), and our doctor friend back home said absolutely DO NOT give her the cough suppressant as many have cardiac side affects.  Get my drift…you picking up what I’m throwing down?!? Let’s just put it this way…some of you could be Zoe for Halloween…we’ll provide the contraptions, mask and all.

Not to be swayed, I jimmy-rigged that sucker on her little face and off we went! Never underestimate the power of the ponytail holder.

We had a great day hunting down souvenirs for our kiddos…made me a little weapy…even to the point of missing all their big-kid drama…especially because they’re not allowed to scream at me.  Incidentally, the payback of all paybacks is going to be putting them on twin duty asap. *rubs hands together and emits menacing laugh*

We ran into one store and asked the lady how much a couple things cost that were in the window. She said, “I give you good price for all things…friend price.” I smiled and said, “but I’d just like to know how much each thing is first.” “But I give you friend price for all!”

Woman. Do not push me right now.

Chris missed all this and walks out of another section of the store and asks, “How much are these? I can’t find a price.” You guessed it. “I give you good price...” Chris never being too gifted in the accent category said, “Excuse me?” “I give you friend price!” Ser. i. ous. ly. Nevertheless, I really wanted the things so I endured. She gives the price. We say it’s too much. She looks to be in childbirth. We look like we’d rather take a bath in hot lava. I HATE this stuff…ask my deal-shopping friend, Michelle, who just helped me buy some used furniture (I “took a call” while she did the deed)…takes me right back to garage-saling, under protest, mind you, with my dad. Shoot me now. We were buying a China puzzle for Zane…because what cool parents would that make us, right?!? Holla! It’s wrapped in plastic…or it was. Fantastic. Since we’re already 3 pieces short, I’m pretty sure they’re still in the store with our “friend.” I’d had enough. I asked our guide to come in and help the angry white couple before friend or foe needed the super cool pulse thing we’d just bought. She starts talking for us…then we get the “friend price.” I kid you not…she charged us MORE for everything than they were individually. She has been defriended. Chris, of course, caught it by catching her in the act before she even realized it. The ol’ switcheroo, buddy. He’s all impressed with himself and gives me the “check me out, babe” wink. I give him the “get me out of here” roll of the eyes.  Incidentally, my buddy also told me the wrong Chinese translation on a shirt (gave me big brother instead of little brother for Zane) so we wonderfully had to go back to her store…again. I stayed outside. That store’s way too friendly for my taste.

We spent a good portion of time in a fun store that seemed happy to help us, happy to let our kids break toys while we shopped (ahem…), and we went back for seconds after lunch.

Our favorite store, though, was the very first one we went to…we also returned there after lunch.  So if you’re following along, boys and girls…that’s 3 stores…twice…yea. We quickly realized something was different here when Chris found a wooden plaque with the Beatitudes in Chinese…pretty cool. He started asking questions while we shopped and had a great conversation with the sales clerk.  We also noticed a sign that said all profits go to local charities. Double cool. When we left, the girl walked us out and said, “It’s so nice to have a p*st*r stop by…G*d bless you and your family!”…hence the return visit and subsequent purchases. We found out they support orphans in the area with their proceeds. They’re caring for the least of these through their business. Trifecta.

We ate lunch at an “American” joint that the Kolanowski’s recommended. I’d been waiting all day because Kenney told Chris they had Dr. Pepper there. Big. Fat. Liar. Cover your ears, kiddos…momma’s got a potty mouth. C’mon Kenney!!!! It is NOT better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! NOT TRUE!!! Way to crush a girl’s spirit. No seriously. Crushed. My food was also icky mcickerton…so we promptly went to 7/11 and got me…you guessed it…another Pepsi Max, peanut M&M’s, and some meatsticks…not to be confused with beef jerky…it was meat…on a stick. You lower your standards, people…that’s what you do.  Could it have been dog? Yes.  Did I care? Absolutely not.

By the time we got back to the hotel, the natives were toast…so a nap was in order.  We only let them sleep 90 minutes…which still made for an interesting bedtime…or maybe it’s because we ate noodles out of buckets on the floor…again standards…gone. Regardless, they took forever to fall asleep…yelling at each other in Chinese for eternity…the same phrases over and over…wow…gonna be awesome once we get home.

I sat up to do some more blogging so I happened to still be up when the phone rang after midnight.  More on that tomorrow…since it was technically the next day… J

Friday...

Today I asked for strength to love my new children.

He heard me...and I did...

It was a “hide-in-the-bathroom-and-eat peanut m&m’s and drink Pepsi Max”…twice… kind of day

I attempted to quote the line from that “no good, terrible day” book but couldn’t remember it…actually I do remember thinking to myself even as I read that book to my older children, “dude…you have no idea”…so I decided this title summed it up quite nicely. Plus it saves me saying it later…

No one expected it to be awesome…we were headed to the clinic for kids’ physicals…having been told that in order to do the TB testing, they “draw the blood.” Great.  But I truly didn’t expect the inmates to turn on their captors to the degree that I would continue to ask myself…through gritted teeth or tears…”what are we doing here…period?”

Our new guide is fantastic, just like our first, making us confident that she’s handling us with care. Everyone continues to be concerned about Zoe…which is great…but they can’t seem to grasp that we are, indeed, taking her home. She cannot get treated here…so why would we continue to postpone the inevitable? We also keep getting messages from our agency that bounce back and forth between different ideas/plans non-stop.  All of these adjustments to the schedule are necessary and beneficial, but they are charging us an arm and a leg to make these changes that they so miraculously are able to do. In other words, her condition was critical before we ever left the states, but we were told our travel plans were the absolute fastest possible. Now for a nominal fee to CHANGE our schedule, a faster solution presents itself…and some of the things aren’t changeable (agency won’t refund, in other words) so we’ve had to just buy all new plane tickets. As a matter of fact, we just received word that the second set of new tickets would have to be changed again because they didn’t have confirmation with the consulate before having us purchase…and now it won’t work. Why I oughtta….where are the 3 Stooges when you need ‘em?

Ok…getting back to the doctor’s office…

It wasn’t actually going too bad at first…Zane seems to have some ear canal/drum thing happening on his “nub” side…I thought it was just skin tags to a vast degree.  We will have to wait and see what’s really going on when we have him see his specialist back home.  Zoe took all the examinations…every kid had multiple…like a pro.  She seems to be very familiar when the process.  Of course, her exam took quite a bit longer than his…so once again, Daddy was chasing Zane all over the clinic.  Funny how it’s not so funny anymore…

And then, while we waited for the final step…the TB blood draw…a switch flipped inside Zoe…she went postal. Please don't assume that she knew what was coming…she didn’t. She was sitting on my lap as I tightened her ponytail, and she just shoved my hand away, ripped out her ponytail, and just started screaming at me. No tears…angry, irrational screaming. I sat in shock, trying to calm her down, while the doctor, the guide, the nurse, everyone tried to figure out what she wanted…remember I’m the only one that doesn’t speak her language…no one had a clue. Also remember that this little girl has such a critical heart condition that the common cold could send her body into cardiac arrest…and now she’s turning purple on my lap. She decided she wanted to leave and since I wasn’t letting her, she told me what she thought.  The guide finally gave her a yogurt to hold…to hold, mind you…not eat, and she stopped just like that. She literally threw a temper tantrum right on my lap…0-60 in 5 seconds. I’ve never seen anything like it…and I can’t afford to let her scream it out…even half-heartedly. My sanity began breaking down at that moment.

At the same time, Zane was told by Daddy that he could not, in fact, continue to play in the water fountain, throwing water all over the office and dousing himself in the process.  Insert meltdown #2.  Dude, sorry, but you can cry…with our full blessing…and so he did.

The taking of the blood proved difficult for Zoe…not in her reaction (acted like nothing was going on with the exception of some moaning a bit)…but in the process.  They wanted to check her heart rate and oxygen level before they’d do anything but obviously couldn’t get anything to work on her.  Their faces said it all…and the 15 nurses in the room.  They hooked her up to oxygen, just in case, and proceeded to draw. It was going fine until they couldn’t get any more blood to come…then they had to search for it.  I just kept her eyes covered and kept saying in Chinese, “Mommy loves you ChaCha.” She said sat there holding her yogurt…all the while Zane was wailing in the hall. Incidentally the O2 level they were concerned about was 88 pre-draw and 82 post. I was elated because when we started this process last year, her level was at 70. Maybe G*d is choosing to heal in his timing…you just never know!

Zane was horrified at his blood being drawn…take the water fountain deprivation and multiply times a million. Yep.

Beam me up, Scotty.

When we finally got out to the car, Zoe kept wanting that da-gum yogurt opened. Again, trying to keep the peace, I opened it and helped her sip some. It was liquid, which I thought odd…and had come from the guide’s purse…but it seemed to be a Chinese thing. Everywhere you look, you see yogurt just sitting out…not cold.  Anyway, I hate yogurt…hate…so I thought it smelled sour, but I think all yogurt smells sour. ANYWAY, I let her drink some, and she seemed content finally.

We went to McDonald’s for lunch, got the kids their first happy meal with nuggets, fries, milk, and a toy! They were stoked…as were we to be eating a cheeseburger. I’ve never, ever been glad to see a McDonald’s cheeseburger…today it was like steak.  We took a picture…of course…and then got the kiddos situated with their milk boxes and straws. I had not taken one bite…thankfully…when Zoe projectile vomited…I guess it was more like a gushing waterfall…of puke…over and over again. I don’t do puke because my gag reflex is extreme…zip it, all you nay-sayers talking about how I had 4 kids and all...they learned to wipe themselves all the way to the shower.  So here I am…catching it in my hands, trying to grab the happy meal bag for it…only to have the bag, made out of steel, bust through. It was intense…for the puke-catcher…the puker seemed fine.  To top it off, she wanted her food back immediately following clean-up.  I declined at first…but she insisted…remember her temper…so I slid it over…standing firm on not returning the milk…and held my breath.  Apparently French fries make the world a better place…and somehow, living in some alternate universe, I squared my shoulders and downed that double cheeseburger, hold the onions. 

Yogurt was meant to be refrigerated. Write that down, people.

We crashed the kids into a much-needed nap and decided to let them sleep as long as they wanted after the morning they’d had.

At some point, Chris said, “Do you mind if I go workout?” I was committed to getting caught up with my blogging so I said it was fine. Right.

When the kids woke up, I flew from kid to kid, trying to be both parents…it went smashingly well.  Everyone seemed to be blocking out the morning mayhem…which was just fine by me.  Zoe (she wouldn’t allow Zane to get close enough to join her) was watching the Barney episode…I said “the” episode because we only downloaded one…even better. What’s worse…Barney…or the same Barney episode over and over? Yea. When she grew tired of it, she crawled over to me and sat down. Shortly after, Zane climbed onto the bed and put the ipad on his lap to watch it. She wasn’t too happy to share and just jerked it out of his hands. When I told her not to do that and slid it back on his lap, she was furious. I was seriously using my Mary Poppins voice and demeanor…trying to get her to leave him alone and be kind…didn’t matter…she wasn’t having it. WWIII. I got up with her and walked away, trying to sooth out this little “bump in the road”…but she was purple…again. I even offered her my jar of peanut butter to hold…talk about a peace offering…no dice. The whole time Zane is offering to share…she’s not having any of that either. So…sang it out…again.

Daddy got a good workout in.  The enemy began to plant the bitterness seed.

At dinner, Zane didn’t like Daddy coming near the food that was in front of him, so he spit in his face and threw his spoon down.  We calmly…no joke…moved him to a different chair away from the food, explaining (through motions, mostly) that was not acceptable. Meltdown. Again. I think the count is at 5. Eventually, he allowed me to bring him back over to continue eating…no more spitting or throwing. Probably too soon to celebrate.

Afterward, Zoe got angry when I said we were done walking back and forth to the mirror…I lost count around 20…she wasn’t pleased. Daddy had to take over before this Mommy lost whatever grip on reality she had…although clearly feeble. 

Remember how we let the kids sleep until they woke up from nap? Big mistake. They were basically yelling at each other back and forth while I said “shhhh” from my prone position. Bonus: hearing Chris tell Kenney over facetime that everything’s going great. I wanted to punch a wall.

SO…yea…Thursday went well.

Our First Journey Together

When the infamous…”that’s ‘in famous’…it means ‘more than famous” …interview was over, our guide Grace told us that the agency had been pursuing this heart attack expediting situation and wanted us to leave that same day (Wednesday) instead of the planned Friday departure. They were moving up our consulate appointment to Monday and if we were to make that work, the kids would have to have their physicals and TB testing done the following morning.

So we rushed upstairs to pack, then headed out to grab some lunch…by ourselves…no guide.  Thankfully we had pictures to point at and ended up with some pretty good food.  We laid the kids down for their first nap as their parents and waited to leave. After grabbing the notarized documents from another government agency, we headed to the airport…more than just a tad anxious about the flight with these 2 that the Father had placed in our care.

It wasn’t a good sign that the entire way to the airport, Zoe kept saying, “I want out of this car!!!”…in Chinese of course…but the message was already clear even before the translation.

Checking in took quite a long time because we told them about her heart condition so people were running to and fro (impressive phrase usage…) trying to get every waiver possible signed, blood collected from the finger pricks, and a witch’s brew concocted from a lock of her hair. Ok…extreme…went too far…I’ll leave it to you to decide where I left reality.

The kids were fine getting on and chillin with me while they ate every snack I’d brought…until it was time to fasten seat belts and sit alone. Holy cannoli. If any of you were pr*ying for us around 6:00 pm on Wednesday evening, please stop…you live in opposite land. Cease and desist immediately.

Sooooo very thankful for the flight attendants who provided some seat belt attachments that slid onto our seat belts and strapped them in tight. They were able to sit on our laps as needed. Zoe never left mine…Zane, not so much. That kid…seriously…I’ve never in my life seen anything like it. He’s amazing brilliant with an enormously mischievous side. He takes…or rips…everything apart in order to see how it works. At all times, things are flying through the air or dumping on the ground!  Then he looks at you with this crazy grin like, ”are you watching me?!?” He’s also got a vice grip so you better be committed if you’re going in on a retrieval mission.  He’ll either be a genius millionaire or end up in juvi by age 4.

Zoe was, of course, the big concern and seemed ok, for the most part. I’d turned her around to lay on my shoulder before take-off (still kept the belt on for you obsessive safety people), and when we began to taxi to lift off, she threw a death grip on my neck the likes of which Hulk Hogan would be proud.  I did the only thing I could think to do…sing. My tune of choice won’t be too impressive, but it’s the only song that would come to mind.

1-2-3 J*sus loves me

1-2 He loves you too

3 and 4 He loves you more… more than you’ve ever been loved before

            (I had a hard time getting passed this line so I just kept singing it

            until I could move on)

5-6-7 I’m on my way to H**ven

8-9 Truly divine

Now I’ve sung right up to 10. Let’s go back and sing it again.

            (and I did…over and over)

She finally fell asleep again so I did what I could with my one arm to hog tie the little varmit beside me.

Unfortunately, the word turbulence doesn’t seem to fully explain to you what we endured during that 2 hour flight, but that was indeed the word they continued to use.  I mean, seriously…when things are flying through the air and you’re using actual muscles in your body to hold yourself in place as well as the toddler on your lap, do I really need you to explain to me that we’re experiencing a bit of turbulence?!?! Dude…just get us there and land this thing.

As Zoe grew more and more agitated (which we cannot allow her to do given the heart condition), I just kept singing that same song…and pr*ying that He would spare her life and allow the plane to land safely. He did both. I’m trying not to take that for granted. My concern is now that we will have to drag her kicking and screaming on the long flight home because she will remember that flight and how scared she was.

We arrived at our hotel around 10 pm…thrilled at the sight of modern conveniences, luxury, and English-speaking guests. No joke. This place is straight-up 007. Having been “roughing it” for 4 days, yours truly was stoked to walk in to an air-conditioned room. I will seriously never take this for granted again. Every good and perfect gift…pretty sure this place was not on that list, but it truly felt like a gift...so it counts in my book.

The kids zonked out immediately…and so did their parents.  Little did we know the difficulties we’d all experience the next day…one night’s sleep was not going to be enough.