Without 6, there'd be no 5!

Right now, you're thinking I've completely lost it...ok, yes. That has nothing to do with the title of this post...but, yea, ya got me...let's just stay focused for now.

(Or maybe you're rude enough to admit that you never even notice these catchy titles I agonize over for days...well, to you I'd say the all-time worst parental admonition, "If you don't have something nice to say..."  I say "worst" because c'mon...sometimes it's GOT to be better to say something not-nice than to CLOCK the offending party!!! Can I get a witness?!?) Anyway, now you've gone back to the title to try and make sense of my ranting. HAHA...I crack myself up. Who needs an audience?!?

"Without 6, there'd be no 5!" (Inserted here for those too lazy to scroll back up the page...ok, I promise to leave you alone for now!  No more smack downs...in the next paragraph at least.)  

Not to belabor the point, but I have good days and bad days...up days and down days.  This is to be expected, and I'm fully aware that this grieving process is a marathon, not a sprint. However, I've also realized that the more I own up to the situation, the quicker the healing. This stinks...plain and simple. Denial does no one any good and seems to simply prolong the inevitable. Transparency is the way to go. Here I am...messy and desperate...you're gonna get dirty and smelly if you're around me right now...but I'm game if you are. That pretty much sums it up.

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of Zoe's death. That's momentous enough. To heap coal to the fire, we also traveled to Indiana for a little bit of family time in between our weeks of summer chaos...the last time we were here, Zoe was with us. It was a long 4-hour trip. 

If you're starting to get the impression that there's a never-ending supply of "the last time" moments with Zoe, you're right. That's how it is with the members of this elite "nobody-wants-to-be-a-member" club...it's gonna take a loooong time to exhaust those moments. Tuck that little nugget away in your back pocket for safe-keeping.

I began thinking about the goodness of God during that trip...how gracious He's been throughout this ordeal, in spite of the fact that I can no longer cuddle up with my sweet angel. The most obvious sign of His grace...the most tangible showing of His compassion...is what I referenced above. You see, normally, you'd say, "Without 5, there'd be no 6!" But in our adoption story, that's reversed. Without #6, we'd not have #5. 

Most of you are familiar with our adoption story...how we saw Zoe's picture (the youngest of our 6 children) and began the adoption process. After we were fully invested emotionally with this little princess, we found out about her "best friend" who needed a home as well. He was a little older than Zoe, and although he'd been available for adoption longer, nobody was pursuing to adopt him. He seemed to simply need some plastic surgery on his malformed right ear, cleft, and jaw. Given the relationship between the two kids, we decided to adopt Zane as well...making him our #5.

I wish I could tell you that we would've chosen to take that step even without pursuing Zoe, but I can only say, "I'm honestly not sure." He looked different, he would probably hear different, he would likely even talk different...I'm just not sure we would've taken such a huge leap toward him if we weren't already figuratively carrying her in our arms. 

It's sobering and humbling to think what my shallow heart would've missed out on in that decision. This little boy...this 5th child of mine...is joy personified. I would challenge you to spend 5 minutes with him and not walk away smiling. It would take you less than 2 to forget he has any deformity whatsoever. His personality could fill up Texas Stadium. His smile is as broad and bright as the sun setting over an Iowa cornfield. His strong, yet tender heart is so precious, you find yourself taking baby steps around it so as not to allow even one more fear to creep its way in there.

It's hard to remember a time when Zane was not part of our family. He acts like he runs the show...further evidence that God deliberately placed him in our family tree. He talks non-stop...need I say more?!? Based on his demeanor, he is happiest when we are all together as a family. He is very distressed when even one family member is absent.

And we would've turned away...if not for #6. Zoe brought Zane...Cha Cha led the way for Jai Hia...and now she is gone, and he is here. I try to remember that precious gift she gave us in my moments of despair...or in those moments when he's screaming at the top of his lungs in the van...what a priceless treasure. Our house still rings of giggles...and running...and even screaming...even in the midst of great sorrow. 

6 gave us 5...so when the tears flow and the ache turns into a throb, I take a moment and say, "Thank you, Zoe. We miss you so desperately. You will always have a permanent place in our hearts and our family, but thanks to you, so does Zane."