"Silence is golden"...who comes up with this stuff?!?

Silence. 

Not a word I'm familiar with to any degree.  Don't live with it...don't experience it well...definitely don't exhibit it from myself.

But there it is again...taunting me...and you, for that matter. I'm sure you've been checking daily for any new tidbits of wisdom...or comedic exploits...from The Carr Ride!!! Right...

You may have wondered..."What's with the sudden silence?" 

To tell you the truth, I've had nothing to say...or more to the point, I didn't really want to share what I was actually feeling at the time. 2 weeks...nothing.  I kept thinking, "I should share this...maybe it would encourage someone who's struggling with the same things!" But my own selfishness won out, and I kept it all to myself. Super plan.

After finally breaking the silence with my own husband this past Monday, I feel like it's best to just get it on the table in order to move forward. SO...here we go...

SILENCE. That's what we've had concerning the adoption...that's what we've had concerning the house...that's what we've had concerning our continued struggles with adjusting to our move 9 months ago, and that's specifically what we had seeking direction with the kids, trying to raise Christ-followers.  So as Chris and I sat across the lunch table, I just laid it all out there. And you know what my husband...my life-long companion...my fellow team member...had the nerve to say to me?!?! 

"You just want to control all these things...and you can't...that's why this is so hard." Yea. He did. (gchriscarr@gmail.com)

Now before you start sending nasty messages...to him, or me, for that matter...I should update you on the proverbial straw that broke that camel's back. (I love using big words.)

In the last post, I told you all that we were finally in the hands of the federal government.  I guess that was kind of true...at least we thought that was true.  After 2 weeks...2 weeks of SILENCE...we got back a rejection letter with all of our documents saying there was no check (big one, I might add) included so they were returning the forms.  My husband, being the triple-checker that he is, knew with absolute certainty that the check had been included...we even had the duplicate check to show...but it didn't matter.

After a trip to the bank...where we had to pay to stop payment on the check (you heard me)...we sent the documents back to HS, with another check, to start again.  We know that one arrived in the proper hands because the check was cashed 2 days later.  4 days later, we received another envelope from them containing the first check, along with a letter stating that this check was found with no documentation attached so it's being returned, rejected. Ya think?!? (And on and on it goes...)

We've now been notified that our packet has been sent on through the accreditation process...don't call us...we'll call you.

The Enemy has also used this "downtime" to start a parade of "what-if's" through my heart. Oh, I cannot begin to tell you the heartache this has caused.  While we were cooking along, so to speak, it was easy to just keep focused on the end result: bringing these two little ones home! But it the SILENCE, Satan has plagued my heart with so many questions. Is this too overwhelming for our family? What about the medical care? We'll have to get them to doctors right away...what if they don't trust us then? Will they be too scared? What if the doctors can't help them? What if...after every surgery is done that can be done...what if she still dies? So much SILENCE...so much heartache.

SO...control, huh? Sure didn't like the sound of that...especially from my soul mate! (hahaha...sorry...couldn't even type that with a straight face!) 

But, as usual, he's probably right. (note the use of the conditional word there)  Because there's a huge part of me that really does not want to be in control...no thanks! 

But then there's that type A, default setting that is hard-wired in my DNA that feels as though that's the last grip on reality sometimes...a sense of control. How do I plan? How can I adequately care for my family? What if I'm not able to do enough...be enough...accomplish enough? 

And then SILENCE comes along and taunts my soul. It feels like a slap in the face...or a punch to the gut...or some bizarre rash that just keeps spreading and permeating the skin to where you can no longer think of anything else but the pain and irritation it is causing you. Sure you can go through the motions...keep up the facade of a healthy routine...but underneath it all, you're consumed with the realization that you cannot grasp any single thing tightly...not one thing. Not. One. Thing.

There you have it. 

Silence is not always golden, but sometimes it is necessary...for how else would we be still and know that he is God. 

It's what I needed. I long for the day when I will no longer need these constant reminders of who God is...who I am without him...and how he is able to fill every void of my heart with his presence. 
Until then...