Just to be clear...

I've shared so many thoughts of anguish over these past 7 months since Zoe's death, but I wanted to clarify something…in case you were confused…which would be shocking based on how incredibly well I communicate my message consistently…without strange punctuation that I am seemingly addicted to…can't help myself…somebody show me the key for a period!!! 

SO…clarity…yea…here we go. :)

Just to be clear…all of our sorrow, all of our grief, all of our dark moments of anguish…those are exactly that…ours. More specifically, it's not Zoe's. There has not been even one second of sadness FOR Zoe…not one. Each tear shed and scream uttered has been for those of us that remain…not for the one who's gone. Amidst all the questions and overwhelming grief-filled moments, one thing has given me great peace…Zoe couldn't be happier. It's just not possible. Happy sigh. 

No one's praying for Zoe to accept her fate and find peace. She's not trying to pick herself up from the rubble and put one foot in front of the other. Nor does she have to drag herself out of bed every day, telling herself to keep pushing through. Uh…no. She's running the halls of her sweet crib, laughing and singing as loud as her Mama…and that's saying something.

Let me tell you what would've made Zoe miserable…NOT stepping into eternity with her compassionate and loving creator. Because then she would've only known frustration and pain, confusion and sorrow, for any foreseeable future. 

To clarify further, I've mentioned before that we were dreading the Berlin heart device, and subsequent heart transplant, for various reasons, but the primary one was the misery it would all have been for Zoe. I said on many occasions during that 3 weeks of uncertainty, "You all better be glad Zoe's not awake right now because if she's attached to all these gadgets and gizmos when she wakes up, she's gonna be so ticked off…not even kidding. And you…and you over there…and even you that just walked by her room…yea, she's gonna make you pay!" :) Y'all can't even…

Of course, there came a time that we were begging the Almighty to give her back to us through these life-saving means, but at no point were we "happy" for her because of them. Case in point, had the Berlin operation worked, Zoe would've had these large (in my non-medical opinion) tubes coming out of her abdomen, which would've attached her to a machine at all times. She would've been awake, and we would've been able to cart that thing around with us down the halls, but she would never have been "free." We also would've had to remain in the PICU until she received a heart transplant. Until. They estimated it could be anywhere from 3 months to a much more likely, 12 months or more. In the hospital. Attached to a machine. With giant tubes coming out of her gut. For the love. Just let that sink in, would ya? The few of you that knew Zoe personally could attest to the fact that Zoe would've made sure everyone felt as miserable as she did. No joke. Obviously we would've made it work, and we would still choose to have her with us in this capacity, but this blog post is about Zoe's joy. That scenario would have been joy-less for our angel. 

She also would've been pretty weak and irritable constantly and whenever I feel beaten up by the what if's of having the surgery when we did, I'm just over the moon knowing that her levels can't plummet anymore as they were…no one's giving bags of blood just to keep her going…no more emergency interventions needed. 

She's good to go. 

So although we continue to weep for OUR loss, our joy is full FOR Zoe. She is with the King. She knows complete and utter wholeness. She will never again experience pain and heartache. 

She wouldn't come back to us for all the peanut butter in the world. Word.

Just to be clear...