I've been sitting on this post for 6 months. Some ideas need marination. Although you might not be ready to read it...I'm ready to share it.
May you appreciate the power of a dream...whether it's the dream you've always dreamed or the dream you've been given by a God who knows what you need more than you know yourself.
I dreamed a dream. That infamous song haunts me with images from the musical itself and of dreams that have been loved and lost. As the anniversary of Zoe's death hit me like a Mac truck, I found myself entranced with my very own version of the Les Mis classic, not too different than the original:
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
It went something like this:
I dreamed a dream of pink tutus and ballet slippers...now the color pink makes me nauseas.
I dreamed a dream of my sweet angel singing about her love for her Savior...now the only sound of her sweet voice is the one recording of Jesus Loves Me.
I dreamed a dream of snuggles and eskimo kisses...now I sit alone on the couch, my arms empty.
I dreamed a dream of healing where you would be a testimony of God's amazing power...now I'm forced to be the testimony of His sustaining grace.
I dreamed a dream where every new morning brought refreshing breath to fill my lungs...now every breath is taken with pain and suffering.
I dreamed a dream where I'd find you curled up in a cozy bed...now I only find your memory under a cold slab.
I dreamed a dream where I move through the day with purpose and conviction...now I float aimlessly, wondering as I wander.
I dreamed a dream of hair bows and frilly dresses....now they're packed away and hidden from view.
I dreamed a dream of sparkles and glitter...now the world seems dull and drab.
I dreamed a dream of tickles and giggles...now I feel guilty when I've had a good gut laugh.
I dreamed a dream where hundreds, even thousands, of orphans would find their forever families after people heard your story...now I wonder if parents will be too afraid of the pain to answer the call.
I dreamed a dream of prom dresses, wedding dresses, maternity dresses...now I'm left with the image of your final wardrobe.
I dreamed a dream of long life...now I'm confronted with a very, very short life.
I dreamed a dream that we would have the privilege of sharing the story of God's miraculous healing power...now we carry the weight of sharing how God did heal Zoe by bring her to Himself in the ultimate healing.
I dreamed a dream that the best for Zoe would also be what we desired...now we know that the best thing for Zoe was to curl up in the arms of Christ, instead of the arms of her Mama.
Yet, as the words of that song haunt my mind, I'm stunned to find comfort in the midst of such sorrow...here's why:
Hope is still high. Life is still worth living. Love will never die. And God will ALWAYS be forgiving.
So. Very. Grateful.
I dreamed a dream that adoption would change our lives forever...that dream came true.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Are you telling me that this isn't a Chinese to English thing...sounds about right.
Here we go, ol' buddy...a "final" installment in the health update for Big Z...until the next thing. :)
In the extensive testing done at the AEA, they also evaluated his speech. We assumed he was still transitioning from Chinese to English, and we also wondered if that missing
"surround sound" was contributing to his struggle to communicate. Apparently, Zane also has a typical speech developmental delay...more new territory...and although it doesn't directly cause the speech intelligibility, the hearing issues just add to the existing delay.
Here's the kicker: because he has good hearing in the one ear...and even though he's literally missing an EAR...he doesn't qualify for any assistance in school. Great.
BUT he does qualify for speech assistance with the significant delay. Ironic, huh? SO...to date, we completed 2 different installments of speech therapy outside of school, and he now meets with the speech therapist during school hours.
The therapists all claim that he's doing great...and then there's me, "Dude, consonants are our friends! Cozy up to a 'K', for the love!" But he acts like they're nuclear bombs and steers clear...especially on the end of words. Sigh.
If you thought (correctly) that we were big-time ENABLERS with the glasses, you should be in our house whenever he's rambling on and on...oh, and ON! Once you've been around Zane for a long time, you can understand him, for the most part...unless you're a certain dad who continually turns to me (and ANYONE else in the family) and says, "WHAT did he just say?!?" So while it's great that we can communicate with him, it doesn't really help him in the long run. Imagine his frustration at school and church when most people have no clue what he's saying. The only saving grace is that he's so OCD, he repeats the same things OVER and OVER. A better mother than I would continually remind him about all those pesky consonants...this mother tends to just roll around in all of his vowel-glory. Friends...it's this or the rubber room for me.
Pretty sure this is one of those things that will seem insignificant in a year...right now, it's fairly consuming. So you can pray for my one-earred bandit and his battle against the consonant machine, and we will look forward to that day far down the road when our sweet boy can stand (preferably without jumping around...we're still working on that) and give a speech to the masses where the crowd can understand every word, and Zane can hear and see them at the same time. That'll be a big day...a day to highlight the awesomeness of a Creator that never abandons His children. A good reminder...no matter the outcome.
In the extensive testing done at the AEA, they also evaluated his speech. We assumed he was still transitioning from Chinese to English, and we also wondered if that missing
"surround sound" was contributing to his struggle to communicate. Apparently, Zane also has a typical speech developmental delay...more new territory...and although it doesn't directly cause the speech intelligibility, the hearing issues just add to the existing delay.
Here's the kicker: because he has good hearing in the one ear...and even though he's literally missing an EAR...he doesn't qualify for any assistance in school. Great.
BUT he does qualify for speech assistance with the significant delay. Ironic, huh? SO...to date, we completed 2 different installments of speech therapy outside of school, and he now meets with the speech therapist during school hours.
The therapists all claim that he's doing great...and then there's me, "Dude, consonants are our friends! Cozy up to a 'K', for the love!" But he acts like they're nuclear bombs and steers clear...especially on the end of words. Sigh.
If you thought (correctly) that we were big-time ENABLERS with the glasses, you should be in our house whenever he's rambling on and on...oh, and ON! Once you've been around Zane for a long time, you can understand him, for the most part...unless you're a certain dad who continually turns to me (and ANYONE else in the family) and says, "WHAT did he just say?!?" So while it's great that we can communicate with him, it doesn't really help him in the long run. Imagine his frustration at school and church when most people have no clue what he's saying. The only saving grace is that he's so OCD, he repeats the same things OVER and OVER. A better mother than I would continually remind him about all those pesky consonants...this mother tends to just roll around in all of his vowel-glory. Friends...it's this or the rubber room for me.
Pretty sure this is one of those things that will seem insignificant in a year...right now, it's fairly consuming. So you can pray for my one-earred bandit and his battle against the consonant machine, and we will look forward to that day far down the road when our sweet boy can stand (preferably without jumping around...we're still working on that) and give a speech to the masses where the crowd can understand every word, and Zane can hear and see them at the same time. That'll be a big day...a day to highlight the awesomeness of a Creator that never abandons His children. A good reminder...no matter the outcome.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
How's about we throw a $4k piece of equipment on Wild Man's head and just watch what happens...yea
I seriously have no idea how we initially found ourselves placing a four THOUSAND dollar piece of equipment on a piece of ELASTIC and strapping it around ZANE'S head.
At the time of all these tests, we began to talk to the docs back up in Iowa City about hearing aids. As I mentioned last time, the poor kiddo already has glasses strapped to his head so we just weren't sure about the soft band hearing aid being the way to go. Once again, the U gets an A+ for quality service...and yes, we will hit almost every specialist on campus before this is over...but the hearing aid clinic staff is awesome. They indicated that the Baha may or may not help Z in his broken "sound system," but it was worth a try...a **GULP** $4k try.
It was nothing short of comical the day I took Zane in to try out the Baha. Once the doc got the hearing aid ready to go, she strapped it on his head and turned it on. She asked if he could hear her from that ear...you should've seen the look on his face when he heard himself answer! It was hilarious. Then he started saying, "HELLO!" in every voice and accent you could imagine. He started saying everyone's names and acting all slap-happy. Think of the Seinfeld episode when Jerry and crew kept talking funny the entire time...probably hard to isolate...but if you could, you would've been in that moment inside the clinic that day. It was crazy...even for Zane. Take a moment, friends. It's hard to process...but hilarious.
After much anticipation, Zane began wearing these sci fi contraptions...like I said, the glasses band runs east to west...the hearing aid runs north to south. The mental picture your mind is just tossing around is only the tip of the iceberg! If he ever gets braces, the poor kid is gonna need a bodyguard. Of course, he's still just as cute as can be! As you can imagine, the hearing aid (and glasses) have been thrown, stepped on, abandoned, and hidden...and I'm sure we're still in the honeymoon phase!
Adding insult to injury for Zane, the device also came with clip-on mic that we gave to Mrs. Franklin, his teacher at school. Going from zero hearing in that ear to amplified hearing isn't his favorite, but we are adjusting as needed. I may or may not find some morbid satisfaction in that. :/
Wanna know the hubs' favorite?!? The pre-certified purchase of said appliance is now being questioned by the insurance company. Shocker.
OK friends...we're close to being caught up with Zane's health issues. I'm happy to move on and share with you all the things that have been going on this past summer...after one more update on his health...stay tuned!
We did WHAT?!?
I'll try to abbreviate the process. Roughly 6 months after the adoption, we realized that Zane's hearing was, indeed, faulty. Now you're probably thinking to yourself that ever-popular teen swag, "DUH!" Oh wait...maybe teenagers don't say that anymore...I'm so old, I wouldn't even know! Ah well...back to, "No joke, Sherlock!" I like it.
Honestly, though, it wasn't obvious that Zane had no hearing in the "nub" ear. He could hear a pin drop, is the lightest sleeper that's ever pretended to sleep through a slight breeze, and never EVER misses anything. We were convinced that he could somehow hear through all that scar tissue and obstructions...
...until that infamous game of hide and seek. Suddenly it was all crystal clear. No matter where you were hiding, you could yell, "I'm upstairs!" (or wherever you weren't), and Big Z would run to that place. At one point, Bryce was hiding behind the recliner, and Zane was standing BESIDE it! Bryce would whistle, and Zane would go running in every random direction, insisting that he was heading towards Bryce. At first it was hilarious, but soon, we knew we had a problem...other than the obvious missing EAR! :) He basically has no surround sound...no clue about sound location. We also wondered if this was a major factor in his speech issues...immediate family and close friends are the only people who can consistently understand his ramblings. (More details on that in the next post.)
We eventually began having some testing done with the local AEA...more new territory for this momma. They determined that his good ear had close to perfect hearing, but that no readings were notable on the right side. Thankfully, they discovered that he had next-to-perfect hearing on that side in the bone conduction tests. This means that he will eventually have the possibility of getting a permanent hearing aid implant, if we choose to pursue that. They said he's too young now and without the reconstructed ear, they'd have nowhere to place it. Of course, with such good hearing in the left ear, it would be a significant decision whether we'd want to do the implant anyway. It's kind of a big deal. Regardless, the ironic part is that since his hearing is so good on the one side, he doesn't qualify for any assistance in school. Awesome.
At the time of all these tests, we began to talk to the docs back up in Iowa City about hearing aids. As I mentioned last time, the poor kiddo already has glasses strapped to his head so we just weren't sure about the soft band hearing aid being the way to go. Once again, the U gets an A+ for quality service...and yes, we will hit almost every specialist on campus before this is over...but the hearing aid clinic staff is awesome. They indicated that the Baha may or may not help Z in his broken "sound system," but it was worth a try...a **GULP** $4k try.
It was nothing short of comical the day I took Zane in to try out the Baha. Once the doc got the hearing aid ready to go, she strapped it on his head and turned it on. She asked if he could hear her from that ear...you should've seen the look on his face when he heard himself answer! It was hilarious. Then he started saying, "HELLO!" in every voice and accent you could imagine. He started saying everyone's names and acting all slap-happy. Think of the Seinfeld episode when Jerry and crew kept talking funny the entire time...probably hard to isolate...but if you could, you would've been in that moment inside the clinic that day. It was crazy...even for Zane. Take a moment, friends. It's hard to process...but hilarious.
After much anticipation, Zane began wearing these sci fi contraptions...like I said, the glasses band runs east to west...the hearing aid runs north to south. The mental picture your mind is just tossing around is only the tip of the iceberg! If he ever gets braces, the poor kid is gonna need a bodyguard. Of course, he's still just as cute as can be! As you can imagine, the hearing aid (and glasses) have been thrown, stepped on, abandoned, and hidden...and I'm sure we're still in the honeymoon phase!
Adding insult to injury for Zane, the device also came with clip-on mic that we gave to Mrs. Franklin, his teacher at school. Going from zero hearing in that ear to amplified hearing isn't his favorite, but we are adjusting as needed. I may or may not find some morbid satisfaction in that. :/
Wanna know the hubs' favorite?!? The pre-certified purchase of said appliance is now being questioned by the insurance company. Shocker.
OK friends...we're close to being caught up with Zane's health issues. I'm happy to move on and share with you all the things that have been going on this past summer...after one more update on his health...stay tuned!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
...You have until age 9 to correct the problem...after that, the damage is permanent
Yea...you read that correctly. I think my new plan is to just avoid new specialists...no more bad news! :) Who's with me?!?
I think I've shared before that Zane's vision is the only other major issue that has come from his Golden Har syndrome. Besides the cranial/facial deformities, it can also affect the heart, the kidneys, the liver, and the eyes. 1 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.
The few of you that have been riding along with us for awhile now will recall when little man got his first pair of glasses...we had to go with the sport goggles because he's missing an ear and all...or you might not have realized because his personality is bigger than the Statue of Liberty...for the love. SO...the goggles had a strap from eye-to-eye. Perfect solution. Except for the complete and utter smashing of his poor little face, eyeballs touching the lenses, etc. He sure looked cute, but he was in constant pain and aggravation. I found myself telling him, no less than every 2 minutes, PUT YOUR GLASSES BACK ON!!! I may or may not have even resorted to, "Don't you realize you'll go BLIND in that eye?!?!?" He pretty much thumbed his nose at the Blindness Kings and shoved them up like the coolest pair of shades ever!
We called in subs, we scolded and punished, and then we...well, we basically just gave up. Blast it all.
The glasses persecution lasted Feb-June. Then it was time to revisit the eye doc. Since I knew I'd be in the fetal position if I walked into that hospital in the month of June, Captain America took big Z in my stead. Unfortunately, his eyes had gotten worse. I was completely shocked after we had given up all efforts to correct his vision. Just shocked.
Guess what happens when your eyesight worsens!?! You get a new prescription!
Guess what happens when you get a new prescription!?! You...say it with me now...GET NEW GLASSES.
For the love. I can't even. Ain't nobody got time for that...and every other overused catch phrase of our day.
We won't even go into the time lapse between that dr visit and a certain Mother of the YEAR actually going in to get the glasses...maybe a couple weeks...give or take 3 months. AND that was only after our primary doc said, "Eyes. Deal with that NOW. Nothing else. Focus on the eyes." Pushy people, over here in Iowa.
Of course, when I finally meandered into the vision center and begin to pick out frames, the sweet gal said, "Oh, you really should bring Zane in so we can fit him for the glasses." You remember him, right, lady?!? Cute little Asian dude...one ear...was running laps around your little store filled with GLASS?!? So how's about you and I just wrap this thing up, shall we?
We went with regular frames and a band that slid onto the stems...hoping that he might cooperate more if they didn't hurt so badly. Again, more insanity as they tried to deal with the cranial malformation that most people never notice because of his hair...I felt like just calling the ear dude in Iowa City and whispering in my best stalker voice, "Give the dude his ear. Now. And no one gets hurt."
So here we find ourselves...Zane seems to not fight the glasses issues quite as much because they aren't killing his face. But it's just tricky because he's got a strap going east-to-west around his head, for the glasses...and a strap running north-to-south for his hearing aid. Yikes. Sounds like that leads us to another post...soon.
I think I've shared before that Zane's vision is the only other major issue that has come from his Golden Har syndrome. Besides the cranial/facial deformities, it can also affect the heart, the kidneys, the liver, and the eyes. 1 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.
The few of you that have been riding along with us for awhile now will recall when little man got his first pair of glasses...we had to go with the sport goggles because he's missing an ear and all...or you might not have realized because his personality is bigger than the Statue of Liberty...for the love. SO...the goggles had a strap from eye-to-eye. Perfect solution. Except for the complete and utter smashing of his poor little face, eyeballs touching the lenses, etc. He sure looked cute, but he was in constant pain and aggravation. I found myself telling him, no less than every 2 minutes, PUT YOUR GLASSES BACK ON!!! I may or may not have even resorted to, "Don't you realize you'll go BLIND in that eye?!?!?" He pretty much thumbed his nose at the Blindness Kings and shoved them up like the coolest pair of shades ever!
We called in subs, we scolded and punished, and then we...well, we basically just gave up. Blast it all.
The glasses persecution lasted Feb-June. Then it was time to revisit the eye doc. Since I knew I'd be in the fetal position if I walked into that hospital in the month of June, Captain America took big Z in my stead. Unfortunately, his eyes had gotten worse. I was completely shocked after we had given up all efforts to correct his vision. Just shocked.
Guess what happens when your eyesight worsens!?! You get a new prescription!
Guess what happens when you get a new prescription!?! You...say it with me now...GET NEW GLASSES.
For the love. I can't even. Ain't nobody got time for that...and every other overused catch phrase of our day.
We won't even go into the time lapse between that dr visit and a certain Mother of the YEAR actually going in to get the glasses...maybe a couple weeks...give or take 3 months. AND that was only after our primary doc said, "Eyes. Deal with that NOW. Nothing else. Focus on the eyes." Pushy people, over here in Iowa.
Of course, when I finally meandered into the vision center and begin to pick out frames, the sweet gal said, "Oh, you really should bring Zane in so we can fit him for the glasses." You remember him, right, lady?!? Cute little Asian dude...one ear...was running laps around your little store filled with GLASS?!? So how's about you and I just wrap this thing up, shall we?
We went with regular frames and a band that slid onto the stems...hoping that he might cooperate more if they didn't hurt so badly. Again, more insanity as they tried to deal with the cranial malformation that most people never notice because of his hair...I felt like just calling the ear dude in Iowa City and whispering in my best stalker voice, "Give the dude his ear. Now. And no one gets hurt."
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Gotta love our little terrorist...we sure do!
Where oh where to begin on the little man...
Here's the funniest part: I scrolled back through the blog to find out where I'd left you on the Z updates, and I was seriously laughing out LOUD at the last entry. Go back and read it. Just for kicks. It'll brighten your day. (To be clear...I recall that day like it was yesterday...with no fond memories, I can assure you! But sometimes...or always...ya just gotta laugh! Maybe it's so when he's smearing poop all over the car, I can think, "Hey, at least he's not terrorizing an entire hospital right now! Nope. Just me." (That story is for another day. I'll give you plenty of warning.)
Anyhoo, I thought the quickest way to get back in the swing of things would be to update you on Zane's mouth/surgical recovery, since that's where we left off in his story!
For the most part, Z healed nicely from the surgery with the mouth closing nicely. Unfortunately, that same spot where they removed the pit continued to be stubborn (shocker) so Dr. K had to do the needle-less injection several more times to convince the scaring to just chill and obey. More pain for the little dude, more strapping down for the 'rents.
We began working on the following vocab word: KARMA. So far so good. Pretty sure he's gonna get that one on a tattoo instead of the "I love Mom" one that we had planned. Whatev.
The biggest concern in regards to the mouth/face surgery is nerve regeneration. Oh the things you learn about the human body when yours doesn't perform the way it should! As always, here's the Eva-version of the state of affairs: Apparently the nerves that allow you to control the function of your mouth, run down the side of your face. You might say, "DUH!", where someone else (yours truly) might say, "Interesting!" So these nerves...
In order to close the side cleft properly so that Zane would be able to completely control keeping food and drink INSIDE where it belongs, they had to "weave" those nerve fibers right into the muscle tissue and lines they created. Therefore, it looks great...until he smiles and you realize that side of his mouth (where once the Grand Canyon resided) doesn't "open" the same as the other side. In effect, it initially appeared like they'd made a mistake and closed it too much. But the true culprit is...say it with me, class...nerve regeneration. It takes time for that to happen so that his smile and basic mouth function appears balanced on both sides. The only distressing element here...it may never return. So they chose the lesser of 2 evils, so to speak, and we began watching and waiting to see if it would gradually come back. If it doesn't come back fully by 6 months or so, the "damage" is permanent. Bummer. And so we waited. (The benefit of my prolonged blog absence is that you no longer have to wait for unfolding details! That's how much I love you.)
As it now appears, Z has regained some, but not all, of the nerve sensation on the right side of his face. Most people cannot tell as it's definitely less noticeable at this point.
I may or may not have told Chris that I regretted the surgery, after a month or so, because I missed the gigantic smile of Zane's. Yes, it was that big because of the gapping side of his mouth...but, man, did he have a great smile! He still does...I love it...it's just a little smaller.
Good thing his personality makes up for that! :)
Here's the funniest part: I scrolled back through the blog to find out where I'd left you on the Z updates, and I was seriously laughing out LOUD at the last entry. Go back and read it. Just for kicks. It'll brighten your day. (To be clear...I recall that day like it was yesterday...with no fond memories, I can assure you! But sometimes...or always...ya just gotta laugh! Maybe it's so when he's smearing poop all over the car, I can think, "Hey, at least he's not terrorizing an entire hospital right now! Nope. Just me." (That story is for another day. I'll give you plenty of warning.)
Anyhoo, I thought the quickest way to get back in the swing of things would be to update you on Zane's mouth/surgical recovery, since that's where we left off in his story!
For the most part, Z healed nicely from the surgery with the mouth closing nicely. Unfortunately, that same spot where they removed the pit continued to be stubborn (shocker) so Dr. K had to do the needle-less injection several more times to convince the scaring to just chill and obey. More pain for the little dude, more strapping down for the 'rents.
We began working on the following vocab word: KARMA. So far so good. Pretty sure he's gonna get that one on a tattoo instead of the "I love Mom" one that we had planned. Whatev.
The biggest concern in regards to the mouth/face surgery is nerve regeneration. Oh the things you learn about the human body when yours doesn't perform the way it should! As always, here's the Eva-version of the state of affairs: Apparently the nerves that allow you to control the function of your mouth, run down the side of your face. You might say, "DUH!", where someone else (yours truly) might say, "Interesting!" So these nerves...
In order to close the side cleft properly so that Zane would be able to completely control keeping food and drink INSIDE where it belongs, they had to "weave" those nerve fibers right into the muscle tissue and lines they created. Therefore, it looks great...until he smiles and you realize that side of his mouth (where once the Grand Canyon resided) doesn't "open" the same as the other side. In effect, it initially appeared like they'd made a mistake and closed it too much. But the true culprit is...say it with me, class...nerve regeneration. It takes time for that to happen so that his smile and basic mouth function appears balanced on both sides. The only distressing element here...it may never return. So they chose the lesser of 2 evils, so to speak, and we began watching and waiting to see if it would gradually come back. If it doesn't come back fully by 6 months or so, the "damage" is permanent. Bummer. And so we waited. (The benefit of my prolonged blog absence is that you no longer have to wait for unfolding details! That's how much I love you.)
As it now appears, Z has regained some, but not all, of the nerve sensation on the right side of his face. Most people cannot tell as it's definitely less noticeable at this point.
I may or may not have told Chris that I regretted the surgery, after a month or so, because I missed the gigantic smile of Zane's. Yes, it was that big because of the gapping side of his mouth...but, man, did he have a great smile! He still does...I love it...it's just a little smaller.
Good thing his personality makes up for that! :)
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
It's time.
Yes, it's time. Time to re-enter the land of the living...or the blogging, as it were.
You'll notice that you haven't heard or seen me around the blogging world since Zoe's birthday, the end of April. I thought I'd keep you updated through those following months, but truth be told, it was more difficult than anticipated...and I was thinking it was going to be a nightmare, so...
Although I would never claim to be on the other side of grief...is there such a thing?!?...I have been able to process through a great deal of heartache over these past several months so I'm grateful for your patience with me.
There are a million updates on Zane's antics, plenty of family updates, and even some specifics thoughts about the anniversary of Zoe's death. I've been saving all these for you...until I felt strong enough to share them. Thanks to my longtime friend, Christina Widup, for the courage to allow you to grieve and pray with us.
Ready or not...here I come.
You'll notice that you haven't heard or seen me around the blogging world since Zoe's birthday, the end of April. I thought I'd keep you updated through those following months, but truth be told, it was more difficult than anticipated...and I was thinking it was going to be a nightmare, so...
Although I would never claim to be on the other side of grief...is there such a thing?!?...I have been able to process through a great deal of heartache over these past several months so I'm grateful for your patience with me.
There are a million updates on Zane's antics, plenty of family updates, and even some specifics thoughts about the anniversary of Zoe's death. I've been saving all these for you...until I felt strong enough to share them. Thanks to my longtime friend, Christina Widup, for the courage to allow you to grieve and pray with us.
Ready or not...here I come.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl
April 30th was one of those days you dread when in the throws of grief…a momentous day that comes, no matter how comfy you find yourself in Denial-ville. I mentioned to a few thousand of my closest social media friends that this was one of the top 3 most-dreaded days. I stand by that statement.
May 21st was the day of Zoe's heart surgery…it was also the last time we heard her giggle, saw that beautiful smile, and felt her arms around our neck. That's gonna be a tough one.
June 7th will be the anniversary of Zoe's death. That day will probably be the ultimate trump card. There's no forgetting the awfulness of that day. I can still hear the doctors words and see their looks of overwhelming sorrow as they said there was nothing more than could do. Valium will likely be on the short list.
But, yesterday…yesterday rounds out the top 3. Yesterday was Zoe's 4th birthday. There was no escaping the lack of balloons…the absence of presents and cake…no friends and family gathered to celebrate. The joy vacuum seemed to suck the happiness out of every second.
I bounced back and forth between avoidance and celebration.
8:00 am-Eva decides we should just let our busyness distract us from the grief of the day.
8:02 am-Eva decides we should have cupcakes and balloons in Zoe's honor…the whole nine. And so went the entire day, in 2 minute increments. Yea.
So many sweet friends gave ideas of how to remember Zoe's birthday, but nothing seemed to "fit" our family. Sentimental is difficult for us…primarily, I assume, because it's most difficult for the one who's "supposed" to lead the charge…the mom.
Another interesting turn of events made the day brutal. Our family has been fighting sickness for about 2 weeks, and it all met a breaking point when the king of our castle bit the dust. Zane started hacking about 10 days ago…screaming in pain with every cough…much worse than his double surgeries. High fevers led us to the doctor where I was sure they'd find strep or the like. Nada. All that progressed was his need to share it with yours truly…so then I was down for the count. (Chris took off most of the week following Easter…all he did was take care of me and the little man.) A couple days later, Chris began to "feel it"…it was bad…then it grew into pneumonia. He hasn't been to work this week either, for the most part. (If you know Chris, you realize how bad it truly is for him to miss that much work! This is nasty stuff.) The girls are beginning to feel the sore throats and fevers, while the boys are avoiding the rest of us like the plague. Moral of this side story??? We had a massive distraction handed to us on a silver platter. It's not what I would've chosen, but this virus straight from the pit has definitely kept our attentions diverted.
Of course, I still want to acknowledge this special day! (Remember that whole back and forth deal.) I think I've found a happy medium that'll be a sweet celebration for our crew. We are in the process of making some sweet mini panda cupcakes (the process comes into play because of all the sickness I mentioned…ugh)…we will place some pink flowers at Zoe's graveside…and we'll spend some time talking about our fun Zoe memories over dinner. Personally, my favorite times lately are when we watch the few videos we have of Zoe…probably because the most crippling factor at this point in the grieving process is that I'm struggling to remember her voice and her laugh. Those videos are like salve to my open wounds.
Zoe's special friends, (and ours too) the Davis family, sent a beautiful flower bouquet yesterday with the following card, "Celebrating a beautiful life!" I think that's the key for us. Celebrating a precious baby girl that we had the immense privilege of loving intensely in her short life. I always tell my kids they should be grateful for what they have and not complain about what they don't. The enemy is sneaky with that one. Sounds like this is yet another instance when Mom needs to take her own advice. Because Zoe's life was beautiful…and it is worth celebrating.
The best way I can think to do that for you all is to bring you into one of these special moments. Big sister, Landry, gave me permission to share one of the many clips we have of Zoe. In spite of her heart/oxygen issues, Zoe LOVED to be chased…and LOVED to be scared! She would scream and waddle away as fast as her little legs could go! She thought she was Speedy Gonzalez. It was awesome. This video was shot about a month after we brought the kiddos home from China. You'll notice the Chinese/English language combo. "Be-ow" (totally not spelled that way) means something like, "I don't want that/I don't want to." We heard that constantly from Zoe while we were still in China…she wasn't happy with shift in power we had going on! As you'll see…once we got to the states, she continued to say that, but in a teasing way. We may or may not have taunted her with it as well. So wrong.
Anyway, back to the video…Landry is trying to carrying Zoe down the stairs…Zoe's not having it. Then Landry goes ahead of her and hides…keep watching when it goes black…Zoe was loving it.
Happy birthday, baby girl. We celebrate the beautiful life that you were. We will giggle with you. We will smile at your sweet face. The joy you brought to our family will always provide such sweet memories.
We remember you on this special day. Happy #4, Cha Cha. We love you so and miss you dearly.
May 21st was the day of Zoe's heart surgery…it was also the last time we heard her giggle, saw that beautiful smile, and felt her arms around our neck. That's gonna be a tough one.
June 7th will be the anniversary of Zoe's death. That day will probably be the ultimate trump card. There's no forgetting the awfulness of that day. I can still hear the doctors words and see their looks of overwhelming sorrow as they said there was nothing more than could do. Valium will likely be on the short list.
But, yesterday…yesterday rounds out the top 3. Yesterday was Zoe's 4th birthday. There was no escaping the lack of balloons…the absence of presents and cake…no friends and family gathered to celebrate. The joy vacuum seemed to suck the happiness out of every second.
I bounced back and forth between avoidance and celebration.
8:00 am-Eva decides we should just let our busyness distract us from the grief of the day.
8:02 am-Eva decides we should have cupcakes and balloons in Zoe's honor…the whole nine. And so went the entire day, in 2 minute increments. Yea.
So many sweet friends gave ideas of how to remember Zoe's birthday, but nothing seemed to "fit" our family. Sentimental is difficult for us…primarily, I assume, because it's most difficult for the one who's "supposed" to lead the charge…the mom.
Another interesting turn of events made the day brutal. Our family has been fighting sickness for about 2 weeks, and it all met a breaking point when the king of our castle bit the dust. Zane started hacking about 10 days ago…screaming in pain with every cough…much worse than his double surgeries. High fevers led us to the doctor where I was sure they'd find strep or the like. Nada. All that progressed was his need to share it with yours truly…so then I was down for the count. (Chris took off most of the week following Easter…all he did was take care of me and the little man.) A couple days later, Chris began to "feel it"…it was bad…then it grew into pneumonia. He hasn't been to work this week either, for the most part. (If you know Chris, you realize how bad it truly is for him to miss that much work! This is nasty stuff.) The girls are beginning to feel the sore throats and fevers, while the boys are avoiding the rest of us like the plague. Moral of this side story??? We had a massive distraction handed to us on a silver platter. It's not what I would've chosen, but this virus straight from the pit has definitely kept our attentions diverted.
Of course, I still want to acknowledge this special day! (Remember that whole back and forth deal.) I think I've found a happy medium that'll be a sweet celebration for our crew. We are in the process of making some sweet mini panda cupcakes (the process comes into play because of all the sickness I mentioned…ugh)…we will place some pink flowers at Zoe's graveside…and we'll spend some time talking about our fun Zoe memories over dinner. Personally, my favorite times lately are when we watch the few videos we have of Zoe…probably because the most crippling factor at this point in the grieving process is that I'm struggling to remember her voice and her laugh. Those videos are like salve to my open wounds.
Zoe's special friends, (and ours too) the Davis family, sent a beautiful flower bouquet yesterday with the following card, "Celebrating a beautiful life!" I think that's the key for us. Celebrating a precious baby girl that we had the immense privilege of loving intensely in her short life. I always tell my kids they should be grateful for what they have and not complain about what they don't. The enemy is sneaky with that one. Sounds like this is yet another instance when Mom needs to take her own advice. Because Zoe's life was beautiful…and it is worth celebrating.
The best way I can think to do that for you all is to bring you into one of these special moments. Big sister, Landry, gave me permission to share one of the many clips we have of Zoe. In spite of her heart/oxygen issues, Zoe LOVED to be chased…and LOVED to be scared! She would scream and waddle away as fast as her little legs could go! She thought she was Speedy Gonzalez. It was awesome. This video was shot about a month after we brought the kiddos home from China. You'll notice the Chinese/English language combo. "Be-ow" (totally not spelled that way) means something like, "I don't want that/I don't want to." We heard that constantly from Zoe while we were still in China…she wasn't happy with shift in power we had going on! As you'll see…once we got to the states, she continued to say that, but in a teasing way. We may or may not have taunted her with it as well. So wrong.
Anyway, back to the video…Landry is trying to carrying Zoe down the stairs…Zoe's not having it. Then Landry goes ahead of her and hides…keep watching when it goes black…Zoe was loving it.
Happy birthday, baby girl. We celebrate the beautiful life that you were. We will giggle with you. We will smile at your sweet face. The joy you brought to our family will always provide such sweet memories.
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