Nowhere to Go...No Place to Be

 Hello world. Long-lost pals. Persons who accidentally clicked on the bright, shiny link. Welcome. 

There are sooooo many things/events that need updating from the Carr Ride, but I'm going to move off the beaten path once again. As these fingers reunite with the keyboard, I feel compelled to address an overall struggle for yours truly these past few months...ok, real talk...more like past several years. In full disclosure, I started this post literally TWO YEARS AGO, and man, oh man...I was getting hit on all sides by the master manipulator so I gave up and set it aside, convinced of all the things I am acknowledging today as false. Yet you see who came out on top that day.

*crickets*

My initial compulsion to share some thoughts on this topic stemmed from our preaching series at the time about the body of Christ and, specifically, the local church. Once the PASTOR (you know who you are) literally called me on the carpet in one of those sermons, I thought it was time. 

SIDEBAR: Yes, I've been mulling over this for a while. Sermon points that are directly pointed at spouses should not be allowed. Ok, Chris Carr...I see you. Sheesh. If hash tags were fitting in a blog post, you might insert these here: #stepoffpreacher #spousalprivilege #lifelongsermonillustration 

Getting back to the matter at hand, the simple and specific gut check was this: every member of the body of Christ is indispensable. It's not as though 1 Corinthians 12 was eye-opening news to me, at the time. But truthfully, it is something I've been struggling with over the past several years or so.

 Thoughts like these have been rolling through my mind:

What do I have to offer now...

Nobody wants to hear anything I have to say...

Where's my place in the church...

The stuff I've always been "good at" are no longer being used...

Where do I fit in...

And, again...I seem to have nothing to offer.

But WAIT...aren't you the PASTOR'S WIFE?!? Yep! Aren't you a PK too? For sure. Is life still full of heartache and struggles and confusion? Absolutely. 

Honestly, I hesitate to even go there because I have found over the years that people aren't always comfortable hearing the truth. But why...why do we WANT to wrestle with grief, fight with our own sins, struggle with relationships, isolate ourselves in the midst of heartache?!? How is this the way we choose to live when we call the Creator of the universe our Abba Father? When the very One who holds our lives in His hands commanded us to live in communion with one another, why do we choose to walk alone through heartache...as if it's a badge of honor to do so. I submit a couple well-known passages of Scripture for your memory verse attention.  :)

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" 

James 5:14-16 "Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

(Bonus points for checking these out as well...Romans 12: 4-5, Romans 15:5-6, Galatians 6:2, Colossians 3:16, Hebrews 3:13, Hebrews 10: 23-24, 1 Peter 4:8, 1 John 4:11-12)

So I'm here for the yuck. I'm here for the shock. I'm here to be the first step-taker. 

Back to the matter at hand...I'm here to say it's sometimes difficult to just keep taking up space. It's difficult to not feel as though there's a place for you. I'm here to admit that just because you're gifted in a certain way does not always mean there will be someone to acknowledge that gifting or recognize any way that you can use that gift for the Kingdom of God. 

*deep breaths...you good?

Lest you think the entire gist of this post is to vent frustration, let me bring this home with some personal realizations that the Spirit has graciously given me over the course of this past year or so.  First of all, I totally STINK at all the things I've been pressing your way this entire time...like, I am legit the worst offender when it comes to baring my soul and inviting others to walk in the Eva-mire. I feel like that must be said as my close friends and family will 100% call me on it anyway...so there's that. Secondly, there have been some pretty dark and discouraging days as I've wrestled with the lies of Satan that the few ways I've always served the church/others were the only places God could ever use me. But, most importantly, I'm beginning to see that there are seasons of ministry, just as there are seasons to every other facet of our lives. There are areas that I've begun to tiptoe into now that I simply could not have approached 10-15 years ago. So while I somewhat "grieve" the perceived loss of previous opportunities, I am so greatly encouraged, to the point of overwhelming promise, about what lies ahead. Maybe that's the reason God allowed me to wrestle with the yuck for the past couple years...so I'd see His hand and trust His heart in what I thought I was doing for Him all along. 

So thankful that you've hung in there with me through this long process, and I pray for you to also trust that God is able, and desiring, to use you right where you are...not where you were 10 years ago...or even last year...but right where you are, right now. Maybe we need to stop trying to force God's hand...stop trying to shove Him into the ministry box that we've created...stop wishing away for the good ol' days. Hang on...that may all just be me. Or maybe not. 

Pretty Weeds and the Lies They Tell

You're not allowed to say "HATE"! I mean, this is like parenting 101, right?!? At the very least, the "H" word doesn't belong in the mouth (or heart/mind...I see you, Jesus) of a Christian. I mean, feel free to come at me about this, but I said what I said...so here it is. 

I HATE weeds. I know some of y'all were calling the preacher...oh wait...never mind...he already knows. Actually, since it's not ENTIRELY awful, the rest of y'all are already sitting back in your comfy chairs, thinking this is just the queen of the Carr Castle going off on one of her tangents again. But hang tight...she's hoping to make you not so comfy here pretty soon. 

A few weeks ago, I decided my flower beds needed some attention. It had been a hot second since I'd last pulled weeds and checked on the transported flowers we moved earlier in the summer. Lest you jump in too early, I had delegated the watering of said flowers to the only child who was sitting at home every day this summer...we won't waste time elaborating how that went. On an unrelated note, the Carrs will need to purchase new perennials for next year. :/ 

So in spite of my old age...taking the power out of insults, one tragic truth at a time over here...I set about to clear the gardens of the enemy. Now listen, I'm fully aware that the weeds/sin metaphor has been preached to death, so to speak, by every Billy Graham and Chris Carr (you're welcome, dear) from here to kingdom come. There's nothing new under the sun, am I right?!? So I'm not coming to you with any ground-breaking news here...or am I, as Zane likes to say. (Incidentally, I had to literally BAN him from saying that last year, because it was making me lose my actual mind. But I can use it here because I'm the mother. Whatever.)

You see, I've heard my entire life that sin is like weeds. You've got to stay on top of it so it doesn't choke out the good plant/truths. Your little flower just can't grow to its fullest and most beautiful if the roots of weeds are choking it and stealing the nutrients. Yada, yada, yada...for sure...all true...and I get it.

But that day in the gardens, I noticed something new. Pretty weeds. Weeds that flower. Weeds that had a unique leaf design. Weeds like looked much like a gorgeous crawling vine. Pretty weeds that still had roots that were choking out my flowers. Pretty weeds that had spread so much that it was difficult to decipher between them and the planted flowers. And you know what thought crossed my mind? Maybe I'll just leave those. After all, they really are...pretty. I wondered if it really were such a big deal to just walk away and not pay attention to those.

Make no mistake, I went full-boar on the ugly menaces. No mercy for the aggravating and irritating suckers. Ripped out with a vengeance. 

But the pretty weeds...the ones that potentially were "adding beauty" to my garden...might just leave those. Do they still have roots that are choking out my plants? Absolutely. Will they slowly and steadily kill my flowers? Also, yes. BUT they look better than the ugly weeds soooo...hesitation led to doubt. How bad could they be?

Surely, you see where I'm going with this. It's not rocket science, as the old people say. (I'm painfully aware of the theme here.) But I'll say it, nonetheless. The pretty weeds are potentially more dangerous because I plainly fail to see their danger. I can go ninja on the obvious weeds that so torment me and still end up with a struggling and dying garden because I didn't address the weeds that didn't look so ugly. This is our Christian life. 

It's all too easy to try to avoid the BIG sins...you know, the most blatantly obvious sins we should denounce as believers. (I won't list because I don't want anyone to get lost in comparing lists...you know who you are.) Yet, here's the point, we can all-too-easily let other issues slide because it doesn't look quite as bad as adultery, for example. Some of our "issues" even seem fun and no big deal. And still, what is happening?!? Our pretty weeds are still choking out the blooms that the Lord is cultivating in our lives. We fail to do the hard things about our "acceptable sins," and so we choke and gasp and stumble along, hoping everyone will just see what's pretty...and not notice the lack of depth and fruit and growth. 

So where does all this lead us? I think it must lead to more self-examination and a healthy dose of honesty. Some of us are completely blind to the health of our gardens because we've gotten rid of the ugly weeds, yet the root of the invisible or pretty weeds continue to choke the life out of our plants. We must be honest with ourselves about our acceptable sins, those pretty weeds, in order to begin to take steps to do the hard things. As the old proverb says, "Don't water your weeds," because what you water...will grow. 

There it is. Maybe it feels equivalent to rocket science after all, given the level of difficulty it will take to accomplish this mindset. Maybe it was so obvious to you that you wish you had the last 5 minutes of your life back. Who knows where you land, but please know that many Christians find themselves squarely in the middle...often unaware, frequently in denial, even sometimes hardened to their own pretty weeds. So as in all of life, we need to move forward in truth and grace, both with others and ourselves. 

How 'bout those pretty weeds in the gardens at the Carr Castle? I'll say this...very little grace was involved in their removal. Once God pressed this little epiphane on my heart, I couldn't very well walk away. Call it an assault, call it warfare, but yea...the pretty weeds were yanked out as well. In full disclosure, guess what I thought in the immediate aftermath?!? AFTER this little analogy was pressed onto my mind by the LORD! Hmmm...maybe I shouldn't have taken those out...it looks too empty and boring now. Sigh...back to the drawing board...more work to do on the gardener...but still, steps were taken. Steps toward growth and depth and health. I'd call that a good day of yard work.